


Out of the blue and into the black

by killerweasel



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-06
Updated: 2013-03-06
Packaged: 2017-12-04 13:18:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/711186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/killerweasel/pseuds/killerweasel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything used to be back and white and then it got muddled, turned to gray on gray.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Out of the blue and into the black

Title: Out of the blue and into the black  
Fandom: Angel  
Characters: Lindsey McDonald/Lilah Morgan  
Rating: R  
A/N: This is AU after _Epiphany_

She’s seen the bruises, the cuts, the wounds that will slowly turn into scars, and she doesn’t ask any more. Maybe she did at the start, but now it has gone way beyond that. Lilah knows who made them and why. Maybe not the full why this time around, but it’s enough for her to speculate.

It was bad this time, worse than what happened in the wine cellar. I thought he was going to kill me, but it was just another game. I was so tired of games, tired of being used by everyone around me, just fucking tired. There’s only so many times when you can look death in the face and keep wondering why you’re always being spared.

Hurt to breathe, hurt to move, and I knew how ugly it looked to everyone. Had to hide most of the pain, you can’t be weak around here or they would know. Competition had been growing fierce since Holland had died. A lot of people were fighting for his job. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted it. Hell, I wasn’t sure about anything any more. Everything used to be back and white and then it got muddled, turned to gray on gray.

I was about to get into my rental car since the truck was being repaired, when there was a hand on my shoulder. Knew I was a little tense, but the look on my face scared her enough that she took a step backward. “It’s just me, Lindsey.”

Muttered something under my breath and threw my crap into the back seat, not even caring when I heard the briefcase pop open. “What do you want?” Can’t she see I’m busy? That I’m getting out of this fucking hell to go home and try to unwind just a little? I had a very nice bottle of whiskey waiting for me. It would chase away all the rage, all the pain, all the hurt.

“I wanted to know if you were okay.” My eyebrows shot up and I shouldn’t have done that because it made my whole face almost scream. “He really hurt you this time, didn’t he?”

Lilah didn’t say his name, and I knew that she went out of her way to avoid it ever since the son of a bitch had locked us in with a couple of vampires out for revenge. “Maybe he did. Maybe he took it further than I expected. I’m fine. I’ve had worse.” Really wish he hadn’t smashed my hand though. Those things were damn expensive and now I was down to the shitty wooden one. It didn’t even come close to looking real and I hated that one most of all.

“You really have, haven’t you?” Something in her voice made me turn around and I didn’t miss the little intake of breath as Lilah tried very hard not to say something she might regret. “Can I take you home?”

I blinked a couple of times. My head was pounding too much for me to think about why she would want to do this. I didn’t want to go to the apartment. It was empty without Darla. There was too much emptiness in my life right now. I really didn’t want to be alone.

Didn’t say a word, I just tossed the keys to her before getting into the passenger side. Not going to ask how she knew where my place was, she knew everything about everyone. I might think that I’m the best Wolfram and Hart has to offer, but she’s the real deal.

Kept quiet on the ride there, mainly because I was afraid of what I might say. She didn’t seem to mind though, but I noticed a few worried looks on the way. Why she gave a shit was beyond me. If Angel had killed me the other night, she wouldn’t have anyone left to stop her from going to the next level.

We pulled into the parking lot and I leaned over the back seat, hissing as the bruises pulled, grabbing all my papers and shoving them into the briefcase. I chewed on my bottom lip until I could taste copper. “Do you want to come up for a drink?” I couldn’t be alone tonight, not again.

She gave me a very small smile and we walked into the building together. A few minutes later, the two of us entered my apartment and I realized what a mess the place was. When Darla left, I stopped caring about how it looked. Wasn’t like I had anyone else who dropped by on a regular basis, delivery guys didn’t give a fuck about the clothes on the floor or the dirty dishes scattered around.

Went over to the whiskey and drank straight from the bottle before pouring her a glass. “Have to excuse the mess, I haven’t felt like doing much lately. I’ve been too sore.” Off went the shoes, tie, and jacket. It was like shedding layers of dead skin. With each one that hit the floor, I felt a little lighter, as if I was really getting away from the firm for a while.

I gulped some more whiskey, wincing as it burned a path to my stomach. Settling the bottle down, I took off my shirt. It was rubbing too much on the bruised skin below, driving me insane. “He did all of that?” I glanced at myself. The bruises really stood out this time.

“Yeah, he did. Least he only used the hammer on my hand.” Another swig of whiskey and I was starting to feel better. Knew I might say things that I’d regret, didn’t much care though. She was here, I wasn’t alone. She’d keep me from doing something I shouldn’t. “I hit him with a truck, used a sledgehammer on him, and then he returned the favor.”

A little laugh escaped me and I didn’t like the way it sounded. “Maybe you should sit down, Lindsey.” That sounded like a great idea. I sprawled myself onto the couch, clutching the bottle to my bruised chest.

“Can you still see yourself in the mirror, Lilah? I look, but there’s a stranger staring back at me. I don’t like him. Part of me wishes he died in the wine cellar. That’s what he was waiting for and it never happened.”

She came over and sat on the couch next to me, nursing the drink I’d poured. “I couldn’t kill him. I wanted to, I really did, but I left the stake in the truck. Maybe I did it on purpose because I know how fast vampires can pick themselves back up again. It gave him a chance to snap my neck. But he’s too fucking noble to dish out death on his own; he gives the job to others so he won’t get the blood on his hands.”

Another drink and I closed my eyes, shoving the pain and the anger into the furthest corners of my mind. Felt her fingers on mine as she took the bottle away from me and I didn’t make a move to stop her. I was too fucking tired. “I loved her, did you know that? But he did too. She’s the one who made him and he killed her to protect someone else he cared for. I killed her so she could live. I fucking killed her.”

Felt something damp on my cheeks, but I ignored it. It was from the pain, that’s all. “She was going to die and it was going to slow and painful. Why did they do that to her? What did she do that was so wrong? Why bring her back just so she would die? It was bad enough that she had to handle being human again, but to add that to the mix... You weren’t the one who helped take care of her. You didn’t know what she was going through, what it was doing to her. She was dying by fucking degrees, Lilah.”

Wrapped my arm around myself, trying not to notice when the wooden fingers moved over flesh. “I’ve seen people go like that before. Nothing I could do to help them, but there was a way I could help her. He wouldn’t do it, he wanted her to suffer. He was too fucking noble to get off his high horse and save her. So I’m the one who asked Holland to bring in Drusilla. I’m the one who had her life taken away so she’d have a chance. I knew she wouldn’t be the same person I’d fallen for, but that didn’t matter. She’d be _alive_.”

There were warm fingers on my arm and a hand on my chest moving very gently over the bruises. Didn’t open my eyes though, I didn’t want to see the look on her face. Everyone else who had touched me lately was so cold. This felt nice. “I can’t do this any more. It’s killing me just like that soul was killing her. Feel like I’m drowning and no matter what I do, I find myself getting deeper and deeper. I can’t get clean any more. I can scrub until my skin bleeds and the taint is still there. Done too many things that I regret and I need to get out.”

“You still have a chance to go.” Now my eyes came open. Looked at her face and saw nothing but concern and worry.

“You know that it’s impossible to run out on a contract. I’ve seen you do the research. Hell, I used yours to further my own. They’d come after me, I’d never be able to stop running.”

A tiny smile appeared on her lips. “There’s a way out. I didn’t put it in my notes because I thought about using it myself.” She reached over and grabbed her purse. I saw the gun inside and didn’t say anything. Our jobs were dangerous, it might come in handy. Lilah pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to me. “This guy will help. I was going to see him after that mess with Bethany, but things got better.”

Maybe this was some kind of a trick, but at this point, I just wanted to get the hell out of the city. “Why would you want to help me?”

“Because no matter what happened, we were good for one another. I never would have made it this far without you. If you stay around here for much longer, you’re going to die. You’ve lost your touch, Lindsey. The review is coming up and you know what happens to the people who aren’t chosen to move on.”

I looked at the name and number again. “If this guy helps me and you want out later, will you be able to do the same thing?” She shook her head. I’d be taking her chance to escape.

“Just think about it, Lindsey. Stay or go, it’s up to you, but I know you’ll do whatever you think is right.” I managed a small smile of my own.

“Thanks. I’ll sleep on it.” Started to ask her if she’d be interested in spending the night, but she’d already grabbed my hand.

“We’ll sleep on it.”


End file.
